


Asshole Skeleton and Soup

by sansytheskeleton



Series: Sick Fic Compilation [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Asexual Sans, Fluff, Gift Fic, Go check them out, I Tried, I can't pun, I lied, Sick Fic, TheNinjaMouse, idk how to tag one shots, it's for my favorite author, it's pretty cute okay, jesus christ though, just to piss off reader, ok im done tagging, sans and reader are just friends in this but they obviously like each other ya feel, sans makes ace jokes a lot, sickly sweet fluff, some general grossness because you're sick, stupid jokes, there's some lighthearted swearing in this, they're awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansytheskeleton/pseuds/sansytheskeleton
Summary: You're so sick that your boss sends you home. When you tell Sans you've been hacking your lungs out, he's quick to come make you feel better.Fluffy and lighthearted.Gift for TheNinjaMouse





	Asshole Skeleton and Soup

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheNinjaMouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNinjaMouse/gifts).



> hey! i wrote a sick fic for TheNinjaMouse because they're currently sick so i wanted to give them some cute fluff with sans coming and being a dork. it didn't turn out quite how i wanted it to, but i think this actually works better with sans's personality. thanks!  
> (btw i didn't proofread this and wrote half of it at like 4 in the morning, so. don't critique it too hard)
> 
> also, i tried a new style of formatting for texting, so uh lemme know if it's weird i guess????

This was just fantastic.

You were, unfortunately, sick.

You’d somehow managed to catch your little sister’s cold, and it absolutely _sucked_. You had jobs you needed to do, as well as many other things, and yet, no, your body decided that you were going to get sick.

You couldn’t just take off from work, though; you had so many things you needed to do, so many responsibilities, and you just did not have the time to sit back and rest.

So, you did what any reasonable human being would do.

You downed as many painkillers as you could without just damaging yourself more, and continued to go to work.

It… did not go very well.

You were out of it from the medicine, so everything seemed hazy, and your body was still physically exhausted. All of your work was done poorly, to the point that you got yelled at by your boss.

You think, anyway. You couldn’t remember what your boss had said.

This went on for a few days. You tried to make the medicine fix you, and you tried to do your job. Instead, you just increasingly got worse and worse. It got to the point that your boss literally sent you home and told you not to come back until you were feeling better.

So, currently, you were lying in your bed, covers up over your face, snot tissues surrounding you, coughing your lungs out as you tried to ride out the sickness.

You jolted and groaned when your phone buzzed.

You felt around groggily, cringing in disgust when your phone landed on a tissue. You’d need to clean your hands.

You finally found your phone, and you brought it up close to your face, squinting at the screen.

Oh, it was Sans. You’d hardly talked to him in a few days due to being sick and not telling him.

 **asshole skeleton  
** 2:42PM

_knock knock_

 

You rolled your eyes (bad mistake, it hurt your head), yet you were smiling just a little.

 

_Who’s there? **2:43PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton  
** 2:43PM

  
_dishes_

 

You couldn’t help the way your lips twitched upwards even more.

 

_Dishes who? **2:43PM**_

**asshole skeleton  
** 2:44PM

  
_dishes a bad joke_  
  


 

You snorted grossly, grinning despite the fact you’d heard the joke a thousand times. The added picture, however, just seemed to make it even funnier. The laughter quickly turned into a bad coughing fit, and you had to put your phone down for a minute to cough painfully and whine pitifully throughout it.

Once you barely managed to regain your composure, groaning in pain and rubbing your tired head, your phone buzzed in your hand again.

 **asshole skeleton  
** 2:49PM

  
_aw man, did my bad joke upset you so badly you had to leave?_

 

You rolled your eyes once again, and absentmindedly noting that you hadn’t seemed to learn your lesson from the first time.

 

_Nah, you just managed to give me a horrible coughing fit, so thanks for that **2:50PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton  
** 2:51PM

  
_how do u know when a zombie is sick?_

 

_Hmm, I dunno, how? **2:51PM**_

**asshole skeleton  
** 2:52PM

  
_by all their coffin! ;D_

 

You snorted, and then giggled, which led to more coughing and groaning.

 

_Goddamnit Sans. That totally wasn’t funny **2:54PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
2:55PM

  
_ehehe i bet u’re smilin_

 

…You were, and you hated it. You tried to stop smiling, but you couldn’t help it.

 

_Fuck off **2:56PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
2:56PM

  
_nah, i’m ace_

 

You rolled your eyes. Before you could reply, there was a new message.

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
2:56PM

  
_fr tho, r u sick? what are you doing on ur phone?_

 

_I’m fine, just have a little cold. Nothing to worry about. And I’m on my phone because you texted me, dork **2:58PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
2:59PM

  
_oh whoops, sorry bout that_

 

_knock knock_

 

_Pfft, who’s there? **3:00PM**_

**asshole skeleton**  
3:00PM

  
_needle_

 

_Needle who? **3:01PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
3:01PM

  
_needle me to come over? i’ll bring soup_

 

You couldn’t help but smile at that. You also huffed a small, irritated breath of laughter at the fact that he probably specifically chose a needle joke because you’re sick. Goddamnit Sans.

 

_Haha, thanks, but I think I’m fine. I’m just gonna suffer in bed until I feel better. Thanks tho bro **3:03PM**_

 

 **asshole skeleton**  
3:04PM

  
_you needle know that that won’t work, bud_

 

_Saanns, I’m fine, seriously, don’t worry about it **3:05PM**_

 

 

You awaited a reply, but then suddenly jumped when there were two knocks at your bedroom door. “Um, hello? Who’s there?” You called out a little anxiously.

“stubborn,” Came Sans’s voice, and you couldn’t help but laugh in exasperation. Seriously?

You groaned, but played along. “Stubborn who?”

The door opened, and in walked Sans, holding a plastic bag in one hand. “stubborn skeleton. with soup,” He raised the bag, smirking and giving you a lazy wink.

You groaned loudly and closed your eyes, shutting your phone and pulling your blanket over your head. “Get ouuutt, I look like shit, Sans, seriously. My-my room’s a mess, oh jesus…” You began to fret over the fact that you were so gross when you were sick, but Sans just chuckled.

“seriously, that’s what you’re worried about? c’mon, dude, you know my room has a literal self-sustaining trash tornado in it. i don’t give a shit ‘bout the messiness,” He said, and you begrudgingly peeked over your blanket covers, glaring at him as he sat on the edge of your bed. “anyway, what kinda friend would i be if i didn’t come to your rescue and make you feel better by feeding you soup and making you watch shitty disney movies with me?” He smirked, and laughed dryly.

“Oh my god, Sans, no,” You started, but were interrupted.

“oh my god, sans, yes,” Sans mocked in a high-pitched voice, making your face heat up with embarrassment.

“Fuck off!” You chucked a pillow at his head weakly, but he easily deflected it as he merely chuckled.

“again, man, i’m ace. i don’t, personally, want to fuck off,” He said, and you just groaned even more.

“Oh my god, do you really have to make the ace joke _every fucking time_ I tell you to fuck off?” You whined, which only increased Sans’s laughter.

“i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t,” He chuckled, and you merely sighed, but there was a smile on your lips. A moment passed before he lifted the crinkly bag once more. “seriously though, c’mon. you can’t just stay in your own filth all day and night and expect to get better. i read up on you humans, so i know what ya gotta do to get over a cold. plus, i’ve had practice by helpin’ frisk in the past,” His grin widened.

You groaned. “Sans. For the love of god. I shouldn’t’ve said anything, uughhhh,” You whined, turning and shoving your face into your pillow. You sighed heavily. “You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you?” You finally muttered in annoyance.

“ding ding ding! you would be correct, my good sir,” He said, chuckling more as your groans increased. “c’mon, dude, i promise you’ll feel a bazillion times better if ya let me help ya,” He insisted, and you just muttered to yourself in annoyance.

“Whatever, you dickhead,” You groaned, turning once again. Your entire body felt disgusting. You didn’t like moving. Your hair was greasy, you were sweating everywhere but your armpits were the worst, and you were basically sticking to your mattress. It was disgusting. You’d rather wallow and not move so you didn’t have to feel it than get up and deal with it. You also hated the fact that Sans was seeing you in such a disgusting state.

Sans grinned in triumph. “atta, uh, dude! er, pal. atta pal. there we go,” He chuckled, and you couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at your lips once again. “that’s the spirit. c’mon, you’ll thank me later,” He said, reaching his hand out to you.

You stared at him, and then his hand, for a long moment. Self consciously wiping your hand on your blanket, you accepted his hand and allowed him to pull you from the bed and help you stand. You felt so freaking gross.

Sans started chuckling again, and your gaze quickly snapped to him. “What? What’s so funny?” You asked defensively, your arms plastered to your sides.

Sans stopped his laughter, although he was still smiling. “sorry, you just… you look so awkward-“

“Oh, wow, thanks. Glad to know you think my suffering is _funny_ ,” You deadpanned.

This only made Sans laugh harder. “n-no, pfft, it’s not that, it’s just. you just-“ He cut himself off, still laughing as he couldn’t come up with a good excuse. He shook his head and sighed a little, still grinning. “never mind, pfft, let’s just. yeah. first matter of business: you definitely need to get clean. you look absolutely miserable right now,” He said, and you rolled your eyes despite the pain that always flared when you rolled your eyes when you had a headache.

“Gee, thanks, Sans. You’re really helping me feel better here,” You deadpanned sarcastically.

Sans’s grin just widened. “yeah, i know, i’m the best. c’mon,” He chuckled, and led you out of your stuffy, smelly room. You had to stop walking to cough, and you groaned once it was over, shaking all over.

“Eugh, god, ew,” You muttered to yourself, desperately wanting to peel your shirt off due to how gross you felt. Moving made it worse.

“dang, you really are pretty sick,” He said, as you tried to discreetly wipe your nose on the inside of your shirt because you left your tissues back in your room. You dropped the shirt and shrugged a bit.

“Yep. I’m just an icky human right now,” You mumbled back as Sans opened the door to the bathroom and headed in. You hesitantly followed.

You watched as Sans leaned over the tub, put the stopper in, and turn on the water. You couldn’t help but snort when he ran his hand under the water. “Thoughtcha couldn’t feel hot ’n’ cold?” You questioned.

Sans turned back to look at you, faltering for a moment and then shrugging. “i can feel in-between hot and cold,” He said simply, and turned back to the water.

You snorted and huffed indignantly, but stayed quiet as he finished getting the tub ready. However, you raised an eyebrow when he started pouring bubbles in. “Uh, Sans?” You asked quietly in a skeptical voice.

He turned back and looked at you. “yeah?” He asked, and then looked down at the bubbles he was pouring into the tub. He tilted his head and looked back at you again. “what?”

You gave him a look. “Bubbles? Really?” You asked, giving a pointed look at the bottle in his hands.

He slowly looked between you and the bubbles again, and then shrugged. “i thought you humans liked bubble baths? even paps likes bubble baths,” He smirked, snorting.

You rolled your eyes. Sans never failed to make you roll your eyes. “Well, I mean… I- uh,” You stammered for a moment, face heating up as he continued to give you a knowing look. You huffed. “Yes, humans like bubble baths, but like…” You tried to come up with an excuse as to why you wouldn’t want them right now other than ‘it’s silly’. You pursed your lips in thought, and then quickly gave up. “Ugh, whatever, just. Meh,” You waved your hand towards the bath in a dismissive gesture, looking away from Sans. He chuckled, which made your face heat up even more.

He finished putting the bubbles in and then clicked the cap shut with a loud ‘pop’. He put the bottle down and let the water finish running. Once the tub was fully filled and full of bubbles, Sans turned off the water and turned back to you. “alrighty, there ya go. all set for yer bubble bath,” He grinned, and you sighed.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Thanks, or something,” You muttered, making Sans chuckle and back out of the way of the tub for you. When he didn’t leave the bathroom, you raised your eyebrows at him.

“what?” He asked, and then looked from you to the bath and then you again before it seemed to click. “oh, right, you humans are weird about your bodies,” He chuckled, shaking his head. “whoops, sorry. don’t drown or anythin’, okay? savin’ ya would be too much work,” He smirked.

You rolled your eyes. “Wow, it’s good to know that my life means that little to you,” You said indignantly, but couldn’t help the laughter that came afterwards.

Sans’s grin just widened, and then he began to leave the room. “yep! alright, have fun, don’t fall asleep, don’t drown, if you take more than, uh, i dunno, an hour, i’ll come make sure you didn’t die,” He chuckled, shutting the door behind him.

You sighed, rolling your eyes, but you were smiling. You didn’t bother shouting anything back.

You stripped and lowered yourself into the bath, the warmth making your aching joints feel a lot better almost instantly. You huffed quietly to yourself at the bubbles; you were annoyed that you liked them. Why did every human like bubbles?

You leaned back and closed your eyes, feeling a lot better already, and you relaxed for a few minutes.

Your eyes snapped open and you sat up quickly, pulling back the curtain and looking at the counter and floor. _Crap, I don’t have a towel, or any clothes to change into!_

Ugh, how could you have forgotten that you needed those for when you got out? Ugh. This meant you’d have to call for Sans to bring you clothes and a towel.

Whatever, whatever! You decided not to think about it for now, and instead just leaned back again and tried to relax.

Your breathing was a little labored, but whatever. You’d need to blow your nose once you got out of here.

Jeez, your thoughts were really scattered all over the place right now. You actually felt like you could fall asleep.

Heeding Sans’s warning, you groaned and sat up a bit, and went about scrubbing yourself down with soap and water. It helped make you feel a lot less grimy than you did when you were lying stiffly in your bed, but you still felt rather gross. As relaxing as baths could be, they didn’t really… _clean_ you. You were just sitting around in your own filth.

You made a face.

You stayed relaxing until the bubbles began to dissipate (mostly due to your messing with them… there were bubbles on your face and on the wall. Oops), and then you stood, a little wobbly, and allowed the water to drain.

You shivered from the cool air, and once most of the water was drained, you turned on the water once more, this time switching it to the shower head.

You turned it to as hot as you could handle.

You sighed in relief, the water feeling heavenly on you. You stood in the hot water for some time, the steam helping your lungs, before you finally grabbed your shampoo and washed your hair thoroughly. After you rinsed the soap out of your hair, you moved on to washing your body.

Yes, this felt much better. You felt _clean_ , finally.

You rinsed off all of the soap, and then just basked in the warmth of the shower for some time, until the water began to cool down. You sighed, and turned the water off.

You shivered and peeked behind the curtain. Yep, still no clothes or towel. Ugh.

You shifted on your feet, pursing your lips, before tentatively calling, “S-Sans?”

…  
…  
…

Nothing happened.

You sighed heavily and took a deep breath. “Sa-ans!” You called, breaking off midway as you’d been too loud, coughing painfully and doubling over.

“you rang?” Came Sans’s deep voice, and you jumped, hissed, and made sure the curtain was hiding you from his sight.

You sputtered, took a few deep breaths, and slowly calmed down. You felt light headed. “H-hey,” You rasped, making a face and rubbing your throat. “I, uh, um… I kinda. Need a towel. And uh… some clothes?” You said awkwardly, feeling completely embarrassed and vulnerable.

Sans chuckled. “way ahead of ya. i’ve got some with me. i’ll set ‘em down on the counter,” He said, and you heard him shuffling a bit as he did so. You jumped back again when suddenly his hand was pushing the curtain slightly, holding a towel. Oh. You took the towel carefully, and then quickly wrapped yourself with it.

“Th-thanks,” You muttered.

“no problem. i’ll be out in the living room,” He said, and before you could respond, you could tell that he was already gone. You pushed the curtain back slightly and confirmed that, yes, he had left already.

You sighed heavily, exhausted from that exchange in and of itself. You dried yourself off as thoroughly as you could manage, and not really caring because you’re sick, you threw the towel down on the floor by the tub, stepping onto it and grabbing your clothes. You’d just pick it up later.

You pulled on your clean clothes, baffled that Sans had managed to get your comfiest pajamas for you, and your favorite socks as well. After you were dressed, you looked at the floor and furrowed your eyebrows. He must’ve taken your dirty clothes for you.

You sighed, blew your nose, grabbed your phone, and exited the bathroom.

“I feel like shit,” You stated as you walked into the living room, raising an eyebrow when you saw Sans placing a bowl on a side table and grabbing a pillow. “Uh, hey.”

“i’m aware,” He chuckled, turning back to you with the pillow in his hand. “hi. i have soup. for you,” He gestured to the bowl next to the couch.

You smirked. “Gee, didn’t know you had it in you to actually do things for someone else,” You chuckled, although it sounded more like a wheeze, as you made your way closer to Sans.

Sans shrugged. “guess you’re just special,” He said it nonchalantly, and, yep, you were definitely blushing again, and it had nothing to do with the fever you had.

You grumbled noncommittally, and then begrudgingly took the seat on the couch when Sans gestured for you to sit. You reached over the side of the armrest and pressed the little button, grateful to have a mechanical couch as your legs were lifted. Sans placed the pillow on your lap, and you gave him a quizzical look. He actually looked somewhat embarrassed. He scratched the back of his neck.

“i, uh, couldn’t find any like… i dunno, uh. what’s it called? the thing you use to sit and eat. like. when people have ‘breakfast in bed’… i dunno what it’s called,” His face turned a little blue. “er, but yeah, so i figured a throw pillow was the next best option. so ya don’t like. burn yourself. ‘cause you humans are so sensitive to temperature,” He tried to end with teasing you, but you were grinning regardless. He was such a nerd.

“Yeah, we are, but aw, thanks, I appreciate it,” You gave him a sincere smile, and he just awkwardly turned away and grabbed the soup, placing it gently on the pillow on your lap.

“yeah, uh, here. you want water? medicine? uhhh, do you have a fever? i could get you a cool rag. your face is a little red, so,” As he stammered, your face flushed more. Yeah, you had a fever, but its current redness wasn’t because of that.

“Er, thanks, Sans. Water and a rag would be great,” You said, and then did a double take as he began to nod and walk away. “Actually, wait, just. Uh. Just water. I don’t want to put a rag on my forehead and then it like, slipping and falling in my soup that you kindly brought me. That’d suck,” You said somewhat seriously, and Sans chuckled.

“noted. i’ll get you a rag after you eat,” He said, and then moved away to go grab a cup.

You weren’t entirely sure how to feel with him being here and… helping you. You definitely weren’t expecting it.

But… you were grateful.

You started eating carefully (the soup was hot), and after a minute Sans was back with a plastic cup full of water, and he set it on the side table beside you. He then hovered somewhat awkwardly, and you glanced at him questioningly.

He faltered, and then turned and grabbed the remote, taking a seat beside you. “wanna watch a movie? frisk loves watching movies when they’re sick,” He said, already turning the tv on.

You shrugged a little, swallowing the bite of soup before responding. “Um, sure, I guess. You can put on whatever… just uh, can you keep the volume low? Don’t think I can handle loud noises,” You chuckled a little, and Sans nodded.

He leaned back, relaxing. He was awfully close. Your heart thumped a little faster than normal. You focused on your soup.

As he looked for movies, you were discreetly trying to stop sniffling. It didn’t work.

“you good?” He turned to you with a questioning gaze. You pulled away from your soup and sniffled again, readjusting and nodding.

“Uh, yeah, I just- my uh, my nose. The soup, it, uh…” You trailed off, watching as Sans flicked his wrist and a box of tissues was suddenly floating to your lap. You smiled sheepishly. “Thanks,” You said as you grabbed a tissue and blew your nose.

“no prob. wanna watch frozen?” He asked teasingly, and you rolled your eyes.

“God, no, the songs will be stuck in my head forever,” You laughed, and then awkwardly set the dirty tissue beside you. Eugh… you’d need somewhere better to put that. Maybe you’d ask Sans to get you a plastic bag.

Sans chuckled. “fine, fine. how about lilo and stitch?” He asked instead, seeing it pop up on the screen.

Your eyes lit up and you grinned, nodding. “Fuck yeah,” You said happily. Lilo and Stitch always made you feel better, it was your favorite movie.

Sans chuckled. “awesome,” He said as he played the movie.

“Hey, uh, I hate to ask so much of you, but like… you’re here, so, could I trouble you for a uh… plastic bag?” You asked Sans a little hesitantly, worrying about asking too much of him. He already made it clear he wanted to help, but you just had trouble accepting that fact. You gestured to the dirty tissues you had beside you.

He chuckled and nodded. “on it,” He said as he stood, and wandered off to find a plastic bag for you. Good thing he’d been over here enough times to know exactly where they were kept.

You were eating your soup again and watching the movie when Sans came back and sat beside you, and before you could even accept the plastic bag to throw your tissues in it, he was using his magic to move the tissues into the bag. You rolled your eyes.

“Thanks,” You said around a mouthful of soup.

Sans just gave you a thumbs up and leaned back to watch the movie with you. He flicked his wrist once again and the lights were turned off.

You sighed happily, feeling a billion times better now that Sans had come and helped. You still were pretty sick, but you were feeling emotionally better, at least. You finished off your soup as you watched the movie, and Sans silently took it from you and presumably put it in the sink while you shoved the pillow off of you, pulling a blanket around you and sinking further into the couch. When Sans came back, he had a wet rag in his hand. You accepted it gratefully and put it on your forehead, the coolness instantly feeling good on your overheated body.

Sans sat beside you once again, and you found yourself eventually dozing off when your coughing wasn’t as bad and you weren’t blowing your nose so much.

The last thing you remember before falling asleep is hearing your favorite movie playing as you sunk against something warm, and something else warm rested on your back and made you fall asleep almost instantly.

You were seriously grateful for your best friend.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this trash. i hope you liked it Ninja!!!! :D


End file.
